![[humor]](../images/humor.gif) Humor - Kosher Style
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All jokes have been sanitized and will probably meet your standard for family
consumption.
We are now privileged to present the wisdom and wit of Rabbi Aryeh Karmel, Director of
JEP (Jewish Education Program), Central New Jersey. Look for the KarmelKorn symbol in our
text, your symbol of KarmelKorn.
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Only in America...
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke...
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters...
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave
useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so
well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"meaning
"blood-sucking creatures"...
Only in America... People park on Driveway and drive on Parkway!!!
MANAGEMENT, DILBERT STYLE
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of
the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will
receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft
Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines
Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for
company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere
with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you
solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for
a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor,
Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk
I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for
Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,
"That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss
it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you
that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft,
Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was
working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it
tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager,
Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a
memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one
of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called
into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of
the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for
"perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy
of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical"
circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in
his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to
worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out
directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I
created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell
Corporation)
13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large
communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant
attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative
ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)
From my nephew in Israel:
I pass along to you the following as received from my pal, which purport to be...
ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS
| Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB74. |
| Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 71. |
| Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion
70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64 |
| Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince
Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46 |
| Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos
candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion
not important. PB 658 |
| Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78 |
| Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks
mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56 |
| Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my
independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435 |
| Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles,
havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.POB 787 |
| Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for
American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555 |
| 80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35.
Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545 |
| I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your
innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities.
No fatties, please. POB 86. |
| Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for
girl whose father will hire me. POB 53 |
| Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and
field. Has slight limp. POB 76 |
| Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish
denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27 |
| I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth.
Seeking same. POB 46 |
From Cousin Berl
A man is walking along a street in New York and sees a little tailor's shop named COHEN
and O'REILLY.
He goes in and talks to the typical little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling
him how impressed he is that for once the Irish and the Jews, often at one another's
throats, have come together like this...
The little Jewish man seems unmoved...
'You sopprized by dis!?' he asks....
'Well, yes' the man replies, still oozing enthusiasm...'I mean...COHEN and O'REILLY
working together in the same shop. I mean...It's different! It's heartwarming!'
'Vell', says the little Jewish tailor...'Here's annuder soprize for you...I'm
O'Reilly!'
(This next one is a little bad. Sorry.)
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money.
To start their business they asked the rabbi of a local synagogue if he would be
interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they
drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try
to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the rabbi outside to
look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the rabbi said and as he started to
hand them the check a small raincloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and
thunder and the temple area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the synagogue the
paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice
from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."
The following material was stolen from Aish
Hatorah's Purim Humor page.
Eternal
Jewish Truths from "Bubbie's Talmud" |
| The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole. |
| If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. |
| If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. |
| Never pay retail. |
| Always leave a little room for the Viennese table. |
| Always whisper the names of diseases. |
| One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. |
| If you don't eat, it will kill me. |
| Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. |
| Never take a front-row seat at a Bris. |
| Next year in Jerusalem. This year, how about a nice cruise? |
| Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach. |
| A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. |
| No meal is complete without leftovers. |
"Where
did I go wrong?"
A man is having a problem with his son and goes to see his rabbi. "I sent him to
Hebrew School and gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah," says the man, "and now
he tells me he's decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "I also brought my boy up
in the faith and gave him a fancy Bar Mitzvah. Then one day he, too, tells me he's decided
to become a Christian."
"So what did you do?" asked the man.
"I turned to G-d for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the man. "
G-d said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
"Oy Vey!"
Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach.
The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..."
The second lady nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"
The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!"
The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back
to the game."
G-d and the Golfer
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the
game that if he didn't play he would get withdrawal symptoms.
One Yom Kippur, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out
during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser and I'll be back in time
for services."
Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the
synagogue and headed straight for the golf course.
Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, "Look how terrible – a Jew on Yom Kippur.And a rabbi
besides!" G-d replied, "Watch, I'm going toteach him a lesson."
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it
careened of a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE
IN ONE!
Seeing all this, Moses protested: "G-d, this is how you're going to teach him a
lesson? He got a hole in one!"
"Sure", said G-d, "but who's he going to tell?"
"Rabbi! What
a Surprise!"
A rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's
never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical
island and checks into a hotel. He immediately gets himself a table at the finest
restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu.
As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the
restaurant. He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd
chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!
Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole
roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants
and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"
Jewish
Personal Ads... we'd like to see. |
| Your place or mine? Divorced man with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice
milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 515. |
| Divorced Jewish woman with get, seeks man who's got a get, or can get a get. Get it?
POB 88. |
| Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for
kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 93. |
| Agnostic dyslexic insomniac, seeks similar to stay up all night to contemplate the
existence of DOG. POB 707. |
| Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused
yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I
contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766. |
| All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37,
never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655. |
More from Cousin Berl
The Jewish Bear
A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear.
Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a
cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the
man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in
anticipation of his final moments.
When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him
with his eyes closed - also praying. The man thinks to himself "how lucky am I to be
cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh - I'm saved!"
He then listens more carefully to the bear's prayer:
"...hamotzi lechem min haaretz."
From Irv (Corney but clean)
Passover in Spain
The Jewish community in Spain goes into a panic before Passover.Due to a beet crop
failure there wont be any beets for chrain for the seders this year.
Upon learning of the plight of the Spanish Jews, the Israeli rabbinate arranges for an
emergency shipment of beets to be flown into Spain in time for the holiday. All goes well
and the plane lands in Madrid without incident.
However, a labor strike in Spain prevents the cargo handlers from unloading the cargo.
Passover finds the beets rotting on the runway in the cargo hold.
What do we learn from this?
Answer: The chrain in Spain stays mainly on the plane.
Again, from Irv
Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and
build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got
his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical
engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into
his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to
commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our
approval--go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources
of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything
looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet,
disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage!
(The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.) Bernie was devastated; his company
redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings
broke off again.
Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray...to ask G-d where he had
gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was.
Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's
shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do
is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you
do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about
it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So
Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter,
they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage.
And...it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had
worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."
"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from
falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many
years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT
ONCE--has the matzoh broken on the perforation.
Again from Irv. This one is pretty bad.
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are
there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we
ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I
don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He
returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our
people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no
Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot
believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange
jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
Uh Oh. - I got this one from some place on the Internet where I shouldn't have
been looking.
So here's the difference:
At an Orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride may be pregnant.
At a Conservative wedding, the bride may be pregnant.
At a Reform wedding, the Rabbi may be pregnant.
At a Reconstructionist wedding, the groom may be pregnant.
There's an old Yiddish expression: "Ah mentch tracht und G-t lacht"
which translates to: "A person thinks and G-d laughs."
With our 20-20 hindsight we can now appreciate the following Wisdom Goofs
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best
people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the
year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the
microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means
of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a
message sent to nobody in particular?"
- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the
1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a
'C,' the idea must be feasible."
- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing
reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the _ell wants to hear actors talk?"
- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper."
- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The
Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America
likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature
was full of examples that said you can't do this."
- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It"
Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with
some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We
just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then
we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got
through college yet.'"
- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his
and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the
need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.He seems to lack the
basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your
muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent
muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing
Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're
crazy."
- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of
the wise and humane surgeon".
- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen
Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
"Before G-d we are all equally wise - and equally foolish."
More from Irv - Ouch!
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
The postmaster says,"This package is to heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?"
Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel
carry?
A: A bris-kit...
From my sister
Our Passover Things: |
Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefilted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things
|
Matzah and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.
|
Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzoh balls floating and eggshell that clings
These are a few of our Passover things.
|
When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
when we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.
|
KarmelKorn
The Conversion
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy
because, while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So
the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the
Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and
intones:
"Born a Jew .......Raised a Jew .......Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday
evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the
neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind him of his new
diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.
He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:
"Born a cow .......Raised a cow .......Now a fish."
Last night I went to the supermarket to buy matzoh and saw something new. It was Bran
Matzah..
On the box was written, "Let My People Go."
Whoops!
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a
22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the
face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's
head.
3. A company, trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record, showed
its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to
Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so
graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the
screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one manrequired seven stitches after he cut
his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. ONLY $500.00???
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the
time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun
to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about
Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it
reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the
shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich.
She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and
arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over
the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still
refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole
a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought
the vehicle to a stop.
Jewish Food
Latkes:
- A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the
House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with
potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with
maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by
mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heartburn for the
same amount of time
Matzoh:
- The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a
simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could
actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays
with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.
Kasha Varnishkes:
- One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult
to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture
of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and
agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a
tie" or, G-d forbid "An elbow on my table?"
Blintzes:
- Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine
the N.J. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes
over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer
to crepe suzette
Kishka:
- You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it . In the old days they
would take an intestine and stuff it . Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what
do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to
cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until
there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
Kreplach:
- It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on
its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup.
The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or
soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your
mother-in-law who cooked it.
Cholent:
- This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of
Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat
is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy
Mexican restaurant (kosher of course). I once heard this comment from a youngster who had
just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover
cholent here too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholent
burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back
Gefilte Fish:
- A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond
and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and
commented "Is that why we call it 'GeFiltered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp
stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish
balls eaten with horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative
strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
Bagels:
- How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the
bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any.
There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who
couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox
on white bread? Rye? A cracker?? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost
indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too
much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the
hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.
The Laws of Work
- If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work
nights.
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
butt.
- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
- It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say
you've done and what you're going to do.
- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
the month than you did before.
- The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going
to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being
a fool about it.
- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car
when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a
cocktail hour.
- To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
he/she is supposed to be doing.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in
the mail.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by
your desk.
- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- Following the rules will not get the job done.
- Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle
this?"
- No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
- The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible
for everything that goes wrong.
Irv's on the Passover warpath.
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you.
However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest
child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want
to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years
together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I
thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can
call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet.
Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days,and I've finally
come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me
that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the
lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news toher. I just
can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and
her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in
Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it
on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says,
"Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do, to get them to come down
next year?"
A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is
chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and
gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the rabbi on
the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this?!!"
A Jewish doctor makes a great medical discovery for which the Queen has decided to
grant him knighthood. At the ceremony, as she touches his shoulders with the sword, he is
supposed to recite an ancient Celtic blessing. However, for all his medical genius, the
doctor cannot seem to memorize the required Celtic words. On the day of his investiture,
the nervous doctor waits his turn as several others are being knighted before him. As he
listens to one after another correctly recite the Celtic blessing, he grows more and more
nervous.
Finally, when he kneels before the Queen of England and she taps his shoulders with the
sword, the good doctor completely forgets the Celtic words, and substitutes the first
foreign words that popinto his head: "Ma Nishtahnah Ha Lailah Ha Zeh."
The Queen, clearly confused, looked to the gathered crowd, and says, "Why is this
Knight different from all the other Knights?"
Ben and Jerry's new
Israeli ice cream flavors :
- Wailing Walnut
- Moishmallow
- Mazel Toffee
- Lehitra Oats
- Rashi Road
- Chazalnut
- Olive Hashalom
- Oy Ge-malt
- Cherry Bim
- Cherry Bum
- Bubble G'mora
- Mi Ka-mocha
- Lemontashens
- Soda & Gomorra
- Manishta Nut
- Balak Berry
- Lubavicher Resberry
- Abba Ebanana
- Bernard Malamint
- Cashew Le'Pesach
- Chuppapaya
- Butter Shkotz
- O-lime Habah
- Berry Pr'i Hagafen
- Choc-Eilat Chip
All flavors come in a Cohen.........
ONE LINERS
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Lysdexia: a peech inspediment we live to learn with...
Would the Standing Committee please sit down!
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
A.A.A.A.A. - an organization for drunks who drive.
For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
llllll//////__ __ __ __ = The domino effect at work.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
Grow your own dope - Plant a Politician.
Contents may have settled out of court.
A day without sunshine is like night.
ØØØØØØØØØØØØ
From Chaya:
Rosh Hashona was over and there was time
until Yom Kippur, and Abie needed his tallis (prayer shawl) cleaned. He called his friend
Max to ask what dry cleaner to take it to.
Max said, "I always take my tallis to
Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th. He only charges $4.00"
So Abie goes over to Moishe's and finds that
the ownership has changed. He asks the new owner, Mr O'Brien, if he meets the old prices.
Mr. O'Brien assures him that he does.
Three days later, Abie goes to get his
tallis and is given a bill for $24.00.
He storms at Mr O'Brien. "I thought you
met Moishe's prices?"
"I did, " said Mr O'Brien,
"$4.00 for the prayer shawl
....and $20.00 to get all the knots out of the fringes!"
OyOyOyOyOyOyOy
Vey
Three rabbis were talking over regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together.
Rabbi Ginsberg says, "Oy! We have such a problem with mice at our schul.
The shammos set out all kinds of baited traps but them keep coming back. Do either of you
learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin?".
The second rabbi, Rabbi Cohen replied, "We have the same problem at our
synagogue, we've spent all kinds of gelt on exterminators but the problem still persists.
Any suggestions?".
The third rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg looked at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen and
told the following story. "Rabbis', we had the same problem with mice at our
synagogue, we tried traps, exterminators, even prayers; nothing worked."
"Then one Shabbos after services were over a brilliant idea came into my
mind. The next shabbos I went to the synagogue about and hour before services started. I
brought big wheel of yellow cheese and placed in in the center of the bima. Well, soon
tens of mice appeared on the bima and headed for the cheese. While they were feasting on
the cheese I Bar-mitzvahed all of them.
I never saw them in Schul again!
A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They immediately
went out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate in
Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They then
decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one.
They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to the
United States to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the
dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then
left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler
why eight, when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler
replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels
and the Bialys."
(Caution: This next joke is worse.)
A baal tshuvah (newly observant) house painter was meeting with his Rebbe
during the Days of Awe, and wondering how he could correct his previous misdeeds.
"Rebbe, I've done awful things as a painter. I've done sloppy jobs, used
inferior quality paints and lied about it, I cut my paints with turpentine, and cut
corners. How can I make up for these evil deeds that I've committed in a previous
life?"
The Rebbe thought for a while, looked at the painter and then pronounced:
"Repaint, Repaint, and thin no more."
KarmelKorn - (Now he's into shvigger (Mother-In-Law) jokes.)
A man is walking down the street, when he hears cries for help coming from
inside a house. He dashes inside, and finds a frantic man yelling.
"What's the matter?", he asked.
"Help! Help! My shvigger said she's going to jump out of the window!"
"Nu, so what's the problem?"
"Help me! It's stuck!"
From Irv, again. Some are not bad. Some are very bad.
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Chanukkah. The next time we visited, I
made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said,
"What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping
disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start
dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I
can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy
like you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's Jewish Alzheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Fillet minyan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the internet?
A: "Modem anachnu lach..."
Once, on a very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the synagogue. Suddenly a
strong gust of wind blew away his fur hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but
the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away to the point where
he could not catch up with it. A young man who was not Jewish, witnessing this event and
being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the
rabbi.
The rabbi was so happy and extremely grateful he gave the man five dollars and put his
hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited from the tip and
from the blessing and decided to go to the racetrack and spend his 5 unexpected dollars.
After the races the young man returns home and recounted his very exciting day at the
races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man,
"looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of "Top Hat"
running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1 -- the longest shot in the field. Having
received the rabbi's blessing and the 5 dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the
horse's name being Top Hat I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire 5
dollars on this horse.
An amazing thing happened, the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did
not have the slightest chance to even show came in 1st by 25 lengths.
"You must have made a fortune," said the father. "I sure did, but wait, it
gets better replied the son. On the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by
the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some
kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all
my winnings on this horse.
"What happened?" asked the excited father. "The horse Stetson won and I
collected big money." "You mean you brought home all this money?" asked the
excited father.
"No said the son, I lost it all on the following race. There was a horse in this race
named " Chateau" so I bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy
favorite and the name also means hat in French and it all started with the rabbi's hat.
The horse broke down and came in last.
"You are really stupid and ignorant said the father. Hat in French is
"Chapeau" not "Chateau". You lost all this money because of your
ignorance. Tell me who won the race any way?"
"A long shot Japanese horse named 'Yamaka'."
From Chaya:
KOSHER SYMBOLS YOU MAY NOT KNOW
Here is a list of more arcane Hekhsher abbreviations: (for those of you who don't
remember):
Hekhsher=Rabbinic seal of approval on foods;
Hashgachah=Rabbinic supervision of food)
- Danny K: Supervision of the Va'ad HaComedians
- K sera sera: Hashgachah given by the more liberal branches of Judaism
- I'm OK, you're OK: Under the supervision of the Orthodox Psychiatric Association
- KKK: Atlanta, GA-based. Hooded milk and ice cream under this supervision
- Yud K Vav K: Under Divine supervision. Manna and Levyatan have been given this
supervision .
- KO: Hashgachah of the World Boxing Federation
- KB: Hashgachah for certain toys
- Mary K: Under strict supervision of Cosmetics Association
- K Mart: Under dubious hashgachah -- in order to create more business, these
rabbis have discounted their normal fees.
- KGB: Russian hashgachah -- no longer reliable
The story is told of a rabbi, priest and minister who were discussing their problems. The priest laments that he is unable to rid the belfry of its pigeons; the minister expresses his distress at not being able to remove the mice from the pantry. The rabbi confides that he had both problems, but found the solution. They beg him to share it with them, so he says, "I don't think it will help you, but one Saturday I got together all of the pigeons and the mice and Bar Mitzvahed them ... and they never came back."
There are many forms of Judaism: Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew. Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods. Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes. Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to breakfast. Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
-- RABBI Kalman Packouz, Aish Hatorah
And From Peter Singer
- Only in America can you buy (a) certified kosher 'bacon bits' (actually processed soybean infused with the same hickory-smoke falvor...used on salads) and (b) kosher 'crab' (processed fin fish).
- A rule of business" 'DBTY' (Dress British, Think Yddish).
- A waiter goes to the table of several young and apprantly spoiled and wealthy young Jewish women from Long Island (for whom there's a perforative term in NY) and says to them, 'Excuse me ladies, but is anything OK?'
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